50 Shades of WHY?!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 17, 2012 by blackpoollight

As a person who studied art in High School, I was surprised when I heard people were purchasing en masse the book 50 Shades of Gray.  Firstly, according to Wikipedia, there are only 23 shades of Gray (see Wikipedia), and they aren’t even that exciting.  Secondly, Gray is the most boring colour in the entirety of the universe.  Its associated with gruel, cement and a number of other lame objects.

 

Of course, when I later read in the newspaper that this book was associated with Mummy Porn and BDSM, I was extremely amused.  Upon reading several quotes from the book, I realized that it actually is the case in point of my earlier blog (Smut in Roleplay Rant).  EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS BOOK!   That aside, I did find some phrases amusing.  Please feel free to put them in sentences and write back to me!

 

Kinky fuckery.

 

I don’t know why this phrase is so good, but it makes me giggle a little every time I read it.  Kinky fuckery sounds like some sort of whore factory.  If I were in a relationship and someone asked me if I wanted some ‘kinky fuckery’, I would ask them how they knew that my true goal to become a pimp.  If anyone wants to get me a Kinky Fuckery for Christmas, I am sure I could find clients for my hoes…

 

He kisses me, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, taking no prisoners. 

Can I say that this does not present a nice image in my head?  Imagine wandering around, some trollop following behind you, and then when you turn around, he goes in for the grab.  Now, you don’t want to kiss him, so you keep your mouth shut.  However, Mr Trollop and his tongue of steel somehow forces your lips apart, leaving what I can only imagine to be a plethora of saliva behind.  After he forces your lips apart, he licks your teeth (unless you particularly felt like actually opening your mouth, but that would be silly).  And oh yes, prisoners is a metaphor for plaque.

 

His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip.
“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips. 

 

Now it might just be me but…that is not how one fucks paperwork.  One can only presume that he is lunging away from his desk, away from his beloved paperwork.  Of course, fucking paperwork could lead to a number of papercuts, but this is 50 Shades of Gray!  Maybe he has mistaken the main character for a piece of paper?!  That would be far more interesting.

 

‘Christian Gray: You’re impossibly white. And thin. Your skin is… paper, .2 millimetres and cool. You have no eyes… and sometimes you speak like – like you’re crumpling. You never eat or drink anything; you don’t go into the rubbish.

[pause, silence]

What size are you?

Anastasia Steele: A4

Christian: How long have you been A4?

Anastasia: …a while.

Christian: I know what you are.

Anastasia: Say it… out loud. Say it.

Christian: Recyclable….HNNNGGGGG –orgasm/papercut-

 

I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey… and I hate coffee.

 

WHAT A LYING SKANK, NO ONE HATES COFFEE!!!

 

Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.

 

I believe this is an accurate representation of the female will.  Often in conversation with the ladies, they tell me all about their inner goddesses primal needs, and their subconscious doing all sorts of terrible things like fanning after Justin Bieber.

 

Oh Christian… my possessive, jealous, control freak Christian.

 

I read this as having religious meaning….my bad.

 

 

Honestly, there are so many things I could poke fun at with this book.  IT IS TOO EASY.  But heck, for any up and budding smut writers, this is your bible.

 

–         BPL Out.

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Bukkake News

Posted in Uncategorized on June 6, 2010 by blackpoollight

I’m sure everyone knows about the naked weather reports ~ you know, where people strip as you watch how hot its going to be tomorrow (oh ho!) Well of course, the Japanese went that one step further and they now bring to you: Bukkake News! I stumbled across it yesterday and really…well…really?

Bukkake News!!

I think I like Bukkake News more than I like Naked News. Its far more entertaining.

I wonder how easy it is for her to concentrate on her job of delivering the news. The whole video is just hilarious really! I think my favourite part is at 9 minutes where she still tries to read the news despite the guy trying to get a blow job off her. Her determination is admirable! Despite the fact that he shoves his love slug (yes, I now use that word on a regular basis) in her mouth, she never attempts to stop him or do the opposite and pay attention to him. Rather, she just…keeps trying to read the news.

I wonder if she can even read the news, what with the remains of male ejeculation all over her face. It would be a disaster if they got it [i]too much[/i] in her eyes too…clearly the males of Bukkake News must concentrate and aim very carefully. It would be a disaster if they missed completely and got it on the floor instead!

I really did wish I spoke Japanese (of course, I assume its japanese because of the title) because then I would know if she was making a tonne of innuendo jokes. I think it would go something like this~

Woman: “Today there will be a chance of showers…”

[Male ejeculates onto her face]

Woman: “A chance of hail coming through later…”

[Male throws pre-made frozen cubes of sperm at her face]

Woman: “And tomorrow it will be sunny!”

[Male looks really disappointed.]

BPL out!

For Kaori!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 30, 2010 by blackpoollight

http://softish.nu/eelslap/
I dedicate this to you ~smirk~
I’ll do a proper update soon!!

Choking Chickens!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 7, 2010 by blackpoollight

“Choking the chicken.” I have never really thought of it as being anything special, but apparently, it can be used to avoid all sorts of mess! You’ll have to forgive me for my ignorance on the matter, I have no intention of trying it at all. Still…from what I gather, it is a literal choking of ones own penis at the peak of orgasm, so that sperm is unable to escape and create an unfortunate mess. I am a little dubious about such a matter, and so I decided to ask a number of male counterparts on the matter.

The question was: “Can you stop an orgasm by literally, choking the chicken?”

Replies included:

  • “For a second i thought it was like…giving your dick a chinese burn or something.”
  • “I wouldn’t know, I don’t fap anywhere that needs such a drastic action.”
  • “…LOL!”

(I was considerate enough to leave out names so hah! Let me know your opinion and I’ll put it up too!)

So terribly helpful to me. Of course, I asked all parties to try it and see what happened, but for some reason I doubt they will. I have to wonder exactly what happens to all the built up tension when this happens – does it go away or does it get worse? I would think, logically, that it would lead to blue ball. Then again, logically, morning glory shouldn’t happen in the morning if erotic dreams haven’t been had.

I guess choking the chicken could be risky as well – most people flinch or jerk if someone opens the door when they’re doing something they don’t want others to see. That could end up rather….painful. And rather messy, if letting go of ones chicken mid-choke results in said climax and thus, explosion.

I really wish I had pictures to demonstrate such a thing…but I’m too lazy to go searching through the stashes of pr0n I has. XD

BPL, out!

Quote of the day.

Posted in Uncategorized on December 12, 2009 by blackpoollight

“They were fucking like the cure for cancer was buried deep inside her pussy and he was on a quest to find it.”

I’m in love. <3

Smut in Roleplay (RP) Rant

Posted in Uncategorized on December 10, 2009 by blackpoollight

I am very much the best rper ever in the world. Srsleh. =D Except when it comes to smut. Something about writing smut makes me laugh like a three year old kid who’s had too much candy and heard a very naughty word. I guess this is part of the reason that I don’t write smut that often, I feel that I suck at it! Thats not to say that I haven’t (and won’t) try, I just…tend to laugh at it more than take it seriously ^^;; HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I DISLIKE AND WILL RANT ABOUT FOR YOUR PLEASURES. =D

Realism in RP sex


Sex in real life is……messy? Well, its not pretty and sparkly or anything. But in RP it tends to be wonderful! There are hardly ever any awkward moments in RP sex, save for the ones we create. How often, I must ask, does someone go

Gary was pumping in and out of Sue, his manhood at its full legnth. Sue felt nothing, and was bored. “Is it in yet?” She questioned him, eyes half closed in a lazy manner. “Its been in for the past half an hour…can’t you feel,” Gary grunted, “this?” “No. Its just too small. Sorry.” Sue replied, rolling over onto the sweaty mess on the bed he’d created. Gary realized then, that he was limp and the act of sex had not been so much sex as rubbing his balls against her ass.

Alright so thats totally not really realistic but….YOU GET ME? There are totally not enough awkward moments during RP sex. There should be more. A lot more! But who would want to write about the struggles of putting on a condom? Thats just so…awkward! Not to mention the most awful thing of all; when the male withdraws his “manhood” and SOMEHOW THE SPERM MAGICALLY DISAPPEARS INTO THE AIR.

Actually, I once had a friend write about exactly that and I was so mortified it put me off rping smut for like, two weeks or something (which I might add, was her point entirely!) I’d quote it but zetaboards is dead at the moment so I can’t access it. To sum it up, it mentioned the cooling of bed juices and her character feeling satisfied at such an accomplishment. GROSS!! D:

What goes where?

I guess this partially goes back to realism…sex in real life is a little more awkward for the first time? In RP it seems to be flawless. RP Men Characters can figure out how to please women (and vice versa) in a matter of…wait, it doesn’t even take any time, they just know! MAGICALLY. Everyone is just so awesome at sex. >_> WHERE IS THE ACCIDENTAL MISSING OF HOLES AND STUFF >_> Gods I’m crude tonight. Forgive me, its 1am and I’m on a roll. >D I always wondered…if someone played a morbidly obese character, would the male be good at sex with her as well? Or would he be sticking things in the wrong flaps and grabbing the wrong boobs and stroking her third chin and…

Flowerly language


What happened to the days where a penis was called a penis? D: LIFE WAS SO MUCH SIMPLER BACK THEN. Now instead of grabbing a penis, a character will grab the velvety, inviting, fine example of manhood. PENISES ARE NOT PRETTY. D: I can’t even stress this T.T I don’t know anyone that has ever said, “Oh, my boyfriends penis is just sooo beautiful”…you know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT D: They are veiny and er…NOT VELVETY? I guess manhood is okay? D: But manhood implies that it makes them more…manly which…is totally…not…true…*point lost* I MEAN THERE ARE DRAG QUEENS D: GAH what i’m trying to say is that the penis is not…MANHOOD ITSELF T.T I…don’t know. I should sleep D;

Analogies

THIS IS TOTALLY RELATED TO FLOWERLY LANGUAGE D: I HATE SEXUAL ANALOGIES. They are the MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER. Its all like…

He stuck his MANHOOD into her FLOWER, in a similar way that he had eaten chocolate earlier that day.

WELL THANKS FOR RUINING CHOCOLATE FOR ME ASSHOLE =[

The taste of sexual juices

SPERM/WOMANLY…SYRUPS DO NOT TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE, OR HONEY, OR APPLES OR WHATEVER D: They do NOT taste sweet and delicious and leave whoever asking for more. D; I mean its pretty gross to write about characters gagging about the smell and taste but it’d be SO much more realistic than OMNOMNOM DELICIOUS FLOWER OF WOMANHOOD WOOT >D which is so commonnnnnnnnnn urggghhhh D; An example of what I alweiz see in smut

As Sue bobbed up and down on his circus pole, she could not help but poke out her tongue and slurp his delicious coffee tasting excitement. She smiled as she DEEP THROATED HIM and he gave her a thumbs up and groaned.

DEAR GOD D:

The avoidance of using any ‘real’ words

In RPs, god forbid anyone mention the word penis. Or boob. Or vagina. OH NO I WROTE THEM DOWN, EVERYTHING IS DOOMED NOW. Seriously though, its like people deliberately go out of their way to avoid the words? Things would be so much easier if people just said what they were doing out straight instead of going all FLOWERLY. Take the example I used above and I’ll write it out totally straight for you. =D

Sue gave the guy oral sex.

OH MY GOD I JUST SAVED 2 CHARACTERS FROM PAGES OF DESCRIBING SWALLOWING SPERMS. HURRRRRRRRRRRRAH XD ….

…BPL, out.

I love peaches too!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 19, 2009 by blackpoollight

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Just so you know, I have a new fondness for peaches now.  :3

(If you can’t read it, try saving the picture…you might need to magnify it to be able to read it properly.  Its worth it, I promise!)

For anyone interested, the book is called Call Me by Your Name, and is by Andre Aciman.  It is actually a fairly interesting read.