As a person who studied art in High School, I was surprised when I heard people were purchasing en masse the book 50 Shades of Gray. Firstly, according to Wikipedia, there are only 23 shades of Gray (see Wikipedia), and they aren’t even that exciting. Secondly, Gray is the most boring colour in the entirety of the universe. Its associated with gruel, cement and a number of other lame objects.
Of course, when I later read in the newspaper that this book was associated with Mummy Porn and BDSM, I was extremely amused. Upon reading several quotes from the book, I realized that it actually is the case in point of my earlier blog (Smut in Roleplay Rant). EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS BOOK! That aside, I did find some phrases amusing. Please feel free to put them in sentences and write back to me!
Kinky fuckery.
I don’t know why this phrase is so good, but it makes me giggle a little every time I read it. Kinky fuckery sounds like some sort of whore factory. If I were in a relationship and someone asked me if I wanted some ‘kinky fuckery’, I would ask them how they knew that my true goal to become a pimp. If anyone wants to get me a Kinky Fuckery for Christmas, I am sure I could find clients for my hoes…
He kisses me, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, taking no prisoners.
Can I say that this does not present a nice image in my head? Imagine wandering around, some trollop following behind you, and then when you turn around, he goes in for the grab. Now, you don’t want to kiss him, so you keep your mouth shut. However, Mr Trollop and his tongue of steel somehow forces your lips apart, leaving what I can only imagine to be a plethora of saliva behind. After he forces your lips apart, he licks your teeth (unless you particularly felt like actually opening your mouth, but that would be silly). And oh yes, prisoners is a metaphor for plaque.
His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip.
“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips.
Now it might just be me but…that is not how one fucks paperwork. One can only presume that he is lunging away from his desk, away from his beloved paperwork. Of course, fucking paperwork could lead to a number of papercuts, but this is 50 Shades of Gray! Maybe he has mistaken the main character for a piece of paper?! That would be far more interesting.
‘Christian Gray: You’re impossibly white. And thin. Your skin is… paper, .2 millimetres and cool. You have no eyes… and sometimes you speak like – like you’re crumpling. You never eat or drink anything; you don’t go into the rubbish.
[pause, silence]
What size are you?
Anastasia Steele: A4
Christian: How long have you been A4?
Anastasia: …a while.
Christian: I know what you are.
Anastasia: Say it… out loud. Say it.
Christian: Recyclable….HNNNGGGGG –orgasm/papercut-
I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey… and I hate coffee.
WHAT A LYING SKANK, NO ONE HATES COFFEE!!!
Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.
I believe this is an accurate representation of the female will. Often in conversation with the ladies, they tell me all about their inner goddesses primal needs, and their subconscious doing all sorts of terrible things like fanning after Justin Bieber.
Oh Christian… my possessive, jealous, control freak Christian.
I read this as having religious meaning….my bad.
Honestly, there are so many things I could poke fun at with this book. IT IS TOO EASY. But heck, for any up and budding smut writers, this is your bible.
– BPL Out.
Blackpool Light 