Smut in Roleplay (RP) Rant

I am very much the best rper ever in the world. Srsleh. =D Except when it comes to smut. Something about writing smut makes me laugh like a three year old kid who’s had too much candy and heard a very naughty word. I guess this is part of the reason that I don’t write smut that often, I feel that I suck at it! Thats not to say that I haven’t (and won’t) try, I just…tend to laugh at it more than take it seriously ^^;; HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I DISLIKE AND WILL RANT ABOUT FOR YOUR PLEASURES. =D

Realism in RP sex


Sex in real life is……messy? Well, its not pretty and sparkly or anything. But in RP it tends to be wonderful! There are hardly ever any awkward moments in RP sex, save for the ones we create. How often, I must ask, does someone go

Gary was pumping in and out of Sue, his manhood at its full legnth. Sue felt nothing, and was bored. “Is it in yet?” She questioned him, eyes half closed in a lazy manner. “Its been in for the past half an hour…can’t you feel,” Gary grunted, “this?” “No. Its just too small. Sorry.” Sue replied, rolling over onto the sweaty mess on the bed he’d created. Gary realized then, that he was limp and the act of sex had not been so much sex as rubbing his balls against her ass.

Alright so thats totally not really realistic but….YOU GET ME? There are totally not enough awkward moments during RP sex. There should be more. A lot more! But who would want to write about the struggles of putting on a condom? Thats just so…awkward! Not to mention the most awful thing of all; when the male withdraws his “manhood” and SOMEHOW THE SPERM MAGICALLY DISAPPEARS INTO THE AIR.

Actually, I once had a friend write about exactly that and I was so mortified it put me off rping smut for like, two weeks or something (which I might add, was her point entirely!) I’d quote it but zetaboards is dead at the moment so I can’t access it. To sum it up, it mentioned the cooling of bed juices and her character feeling satisfied at such an accomplishment. GROSS!! D:

What goes where?

I guess this partially goes back to realism…sex in real life is a little more awkward for the first time? In RP it seems to be flawless. RP Men Characters can figure out how to please women (and vice versa) in a matter of…wait, it doesn’t even take any time, they just know! MAGICALLY. Everyone is just so awesome at sex. >_> WHERE IS THE ACCIDENTAL MISSING OF HOLES AND STUFF >_> Gods I’m crude tonight. Forgive me, its 1am and I’m on a roll. >D I always wondered…if someone played a morbidly obese character, would the male be good at sex with her as well? Or would he be sticking things in the wrong flaps and grabbing the wrong boobs and stroking her third chin and…

Flowerly language


What happened to the days where a penis was called a penis? D: LIFE WAS SO MUCH SIMPLER BACK THEN. Now instead of grabbing a penis, a character will grab the velvety, inviting, fine example of manhood. PENISES ARE NOT PRETTY. D: I can’t even stress this T.T I don’t know anyone that has ever said, “Oh, my boyfriends penis is just sooo beautiful”…you know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT D: They are veiny and er…NOT VELVETY? I guess manhood is okay? D: But manhood implies that it makes them more…manly which…is totally…not…true…*point lost* I MEAN THERE ARE DRAG QUEENS D: GAH what i’m trying to say is that the penis is not…MANHOOD ITSELF T.T I…don’t know. I should sleep D;

Analogies

THIS IS TOTALLY RELATED TO FLOWERLY LANGUAGE D: I HATE SEXUAL ANALOGIES. They are the MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER. Its all like…

He stuck his MANHOOD into her FLOWER, in a similar way that he had eaten chocolate earlier that day.

WELL THANKS FOR RUINING CHOCOLATE FOR ME ASSHOLE =[

The taste of sexual juices

SPERM/WOMANLY…SYRUPS DO NOT TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE, OR HONEY, OR APPLES OR WHATEVER D: They do NOT taste sweet and delicious and leave whoever asking for more. D; I mean its pretty gross to write about characters gagging about the smell and taste but it’d be SO much more realistic than OMNOMNOM DELICIOUS FLOWER OF WOMANHOOD WOOT >D which is so commonnnnnnnnnn urggghhhh D; An example of what I alweiz see in smut

As Sue bobbed up and down on his circus pole, she could not help but poke out her tongue and slurp his delicious coffee tasting excitement. She smiled as she DEEP THROATED HIM and he gave her a thumbs up and groaned.

DEAR GOD D:

The avoidance of using any ‘real’ words

In RPs, god forbid anyone mention the word penis. Or boob. Or vagina. OH NO I WROTE THEM DOWN, EVERYTHING IS DOOMED NOW. Seriously though, its like people deliberately go out of their way to avoid the words? Things would be so much easier if people just said what they were doing out straight instead of going all FLOWERLY. Take the example I used above and I’ll write it out totally straight for you. =D

Sue gave the guy oral sex.

OH MY GOD I JUST SAVED 2 CHARACTERS FROM PAGES OF DESCRIBING SWALLOWING SPERMS. HURRRRRRRRRRRRAH XD ….

…BPL, out.

8 Responses to “Smut in Roleplay (RP) Rant”

  1. Lil-stalkah Says:

    I don’t think anyone will ever forget about the cooling juices…

  2. Wow…Just wow.

  3. Icantevenbelieveimdoingthis Says:

    Obviously SOMEONES a angry virgin. ;;

  4. Kolkolkol Says:

    This MADE MY NIGHT!!! xD //shot

  5. laughed my ass off reading this, so true!

  6. [...] several quotes from the book, I realized that it actually is the case in point of my earlier blog (http://blackpoollight.wordpress.com/2009/12/10/smut-in-roleplay-rp-rant/).  EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS BOOK!   That aside, I did find some phrases amusing.  Please [...]

  7. FatePaintedBlue Says:

    I’m laughing so hard!!!

  8. TroubledRPer Says:

    You’ve just made my day.

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